Smoke With Me

He had loved her with all his heart. He was sure they’d never part.

His perfect match and soulmate. It was worth the wait and felt like fate.

10 years of bliss. But under the surface lay something more insidious.

His smoking grew and he couldn’t stand it. This is not the way that he had planned it.

The nicotine soon took control. In his heart there grew a hole.

To love her more he would quit. But she liked to smoke and loved the nic.

If he was to live he had to recover. But if he got well he’d lose his lover.

She resented the day that he stopped. And from that day their love was not.

~S.D.

Codependancy is it’s own special sickness. Some fear change so much that they would rather we smoke ourselves to death, than see us get well.

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One Last Race

I know this young man named Ash
Called Flashtyn, cuz he never takes last
He sprints like the wind
From start to the fin
Watch out for that lad, he is fast

With NCAA eligibility for track ending this season, today is quite possibly the last time I will ever see my son hurdle at the college level. This journey has been an unexpected and exciting ride, opening amazing doors of opportunity and challenge. I have watched a natural talent evolve into a record breaking skill of national proportion.

At its worst track was a springboard to education and a chance at play football at another level. At best track has helped grow my boy into man filled with humility, integrity and hard work. I am so proud that my sobriety has allowed me to be a part of this wild ride.

Come clean off the blocks today. In a race of inches and milaseconds, you are your only challege. Do what you to best. One race.

Love,
Dad

#flashtyn
#caltrack
#gobears
#betheleopard

What Am I?

I was of use, but I wasn’t what I was meant to be
Then, I was carelessly tossed from a cliff
Irresponsibly discarded, forgotten
Broken, I lay in the sand
My jagged edges are a threat to anyone who comes close to me
This is not my purpose
This is not what I was supposed to be
But, I am unable to change on my own
I remain willing to become something else, but I am at the mercy of the elements
I feel weathered and worn
Patience is my only comfort
Slowly, the sands of time start polish my edges
Transforming me into something no one else could have imagined
I am common and ordinary, but distinct and unique at the same time
Odd, one of a kind
Soon, someone will discover what I truly am
I will become a treasured find
Important, repurposed with new meaning
I exist to be cherished, appreciated and loved

What am I?

~S.D.

The Walk

We had the best time.
We had walked together for so long, I didn’t keep track of the time or where we were headed. All I remember is how much I enjoyed the company.
I could tell by your step that you were getting tired. So I slowed my pace, not wanting the walk to end.
We had walked this path together not knowing where it would lead but enjoying every moment. We squeezed in as much as we could, resting between laughter and tears. Sometimes we trudged without saying a word, just walking quietly side-by-side.
The road began to look familiar. I think we were getting close to where we started. I was still not ready for our walk to end. I could tell by your breathing you were exhausted, but you kept on.
I look down and suddenly we are here, the very same spot we had said hello. A fork in the trail, where you have to go your way and I must find mine.
Just let me enjoy your company a little while longer I is all I am thinking. But I can see it in your eyes, you know it’s almost time.
I am holding your hand. It’s ok. You can sit here with me until you are ready. My heart aches but I am not afraid. I know this isn’t goodbye. This is just a different path and I know I will see you again.
Take my love with you for your journey. I will hold the memories of this walk with you and our paths will cross when it’s time. I’m missing you already…until we meet again.

~S.D.

My Birthright Is Enough

I was born into this world out love, with all I needed. I was happy, healthy and whole. I was complete and carefree.

Yet, somewhere deep inside, lay lurking a nagging notion that I didn’t have enough; that I wasn’t enough; and that I would never be enough.

I began to compare the emptiness I felt inside with what I saw others exhibit on the outside. My internal condition didn’t match the contentedness I saw on the faces of those around me. I felt incomplete, as if everyone else was privileged to some knowledge or information that I was lacking. I wanted what they had, but didn’t know how to live that way. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I felt different from everyone else, always craving to be the center of attention, but forever feeling alone in a crowd.

I escaped into my imagination to create a reality where I no longer had to be a part of a world I didn’t understand. Slowly, my emptiness grew and with it I became further removed from the life I wished I could have have. I saw insurmountable dreams fade and with them left my hope of being normal, like I assumed everyone else was.

I found an escape that made those empty, lonely feelings subside. For a few fleeting moments I was satiated. I was neither empty nor alone. Finally, I was ok. This brief respite from self became my solution for dealing with the constant yearning of my internal condition. I needed more, so that I could feel less. My thirst increased as I tried to quench the unquenchable.

I believed the lie that a substance could placate me and fill the limitless void in my soul. I lived that lie and made it my false reality. Years spanned into decades and I became a slave to the lie, removed from the world I wanted so desperately to be a part of.

Today, I reject that lie. I face the truth with acceptance. My insides will never compare to how I perceive others from the outside. Comparing doesn’t serve me. I have innate desire to be connected to the Universe and my fellow human beings. No external substance will fix my internal condition or quell my limitless urges. My craving for more can only be satisfied by a Power Greater than myself.

The Great Reality was there all the time- I was never separate. I have always been a part of. The answer to my struggle lay just below my wanting and insecurity. Self reliance kept me in fear until I found faith in something hidden deep within. I am exactly as I should be. I have enough; I am enough; I will always be enough.

I am complete and carefree. I am happy, healthy and whole. I am born into this world out of love, with all I need. This is my birthright.

~S.D.

Accepted or Acceptance?

External validation from others and the illusion that my personal attachment to outcomes is somehow a determinant of my “success” and “contentment” are the pacifiers I have clung to like a drug-addicted infant.
I have sought temporary, quick fixes and shortcuts to a problem that has only one solution.
I do my best to no longer seek to be accepted. Today I seek to be in acceptance. I look for internal reassurance from a connection to a Power greater than myself for direction and solution.
I live in the moment through my action and response to life. My existence is not a result, but a continuous process of change, awakening and new experience.
I chose to alter my perspective and live, by example, practicing spiritual principles instead of trying to shape and control the rest of the world with my limited and short-sided plans and designs.
I am grateful for a new way of life.

~S.D.

Conditional Love

The popular understanding of “unconditional love” can easily become distorted and skewed. It can quickly become enabling and an excuse for bad behavior. Unconditional love has been used out of context to co-sign a individual’s negative actions. The misconception becomes “I will love you no matter what you do, think or say.” Then we complain we are victims, when in reality we are simply volunteers to be treated poorly. No one should be a doormat or a chew toy for another’s whims.

Sometimes love without condition is simply, “I will always love you, I just won’t be treated this way any longer.”

For me, a healthier conception of unconditional love is loving someone despite self-centered fear and looking past human failings. Unconditional love isn’t a free pass without regard for another’s actions. Unconditional love means loving someone more than their feelings. It is loving someone enough to be truthful, and tempering that honesty with compassion. It’s embracing another’s humanity and loving someone for everything they are, as well as loving them for all they are not.

Love should have focus, boundaries and direction. Unconditional love is, by definition, a relationship. A healthy relationship must be mutual, balanced and harmonious if it to survive and grow. It’s only “unconditional” if that contract is clear, understood, shared and returned.

We should be able to hold another and tell them with all of our heart that, “I love you and I’m not afraid that you will stop loving me when I tell you what you are doing, saying or thinking is harmful to you, me or us.”

~S.D.