Here I am

Reflecting on life as I lay in bed by myself, in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment…
Seeing classmates from an era long gone, I feel torn about where I am.
I spent a few moments judging my insides opposite the outsides of my peers.
I watch others do the same.
Taking a superficial inventory and I come up wanting…
Some have houses.
Some have money.
Some look better…happier than me.
Then, I see the couples… smiles and hand holding.

I feel less than.
Alone.
Awkward.
Uncomfortable.
Judged.
I interrogate myself… I am harder on myself than anyone else could ever be.
What’s wrong with me?
If only I did this or that, then things would be different.
I wouldn’t ever have to feel the way I feel.

I stop.
I listen to the silence.
I shift from no where to now here… the present.. now.
I honestly look at this moment as it is.
I have lived many lives in this short existence.
I have a wonderfully full list of experiences, both triumphs and tragedies.
I am still standing… breathing… feeling…
I can say every single thing I have done, I have done with all of me.
Every choice I have made has led my to exactly where I am right now.
I stripped myself of nearly all material things in pursuit of a lie… an illness…a curse… a blessing.
In the process, part of me died, only to be twice born…a lifetime of second chances is more than most ever receive.

Truth be told, I will never have everything I want…I am insatiable…I suffer from the need for “more.” I will never be fixed by the external.
My internal condition can only be healed by reconnecting to the Universe through a life of service and purpose…gratitude for one more day.

I trade regret and remorse for a new design for living.
A life based on strangely familiar principles I never knew.
I trade self doubt and judgement for a vision of what can be.

I feel these feelings.
I recognize them for exactly what they are.
I release them.
I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this moment.

~S.D.

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