Why?

Why am I alcoholic?

Is it nature or nuture?
Did I stop breastfeeding feeding too early?
Was I dropped on my head?
Too many cookies and not enough hugs?
Is it a result of external consequences I suffered as a result of my drinking?
It is it where I drank? What I drank? Who I drank with?
I suspect it’s genetic but I don’t know…

I am an alcoholic because at sometime in my drinking career I completely lost control of my consumption.
When I drink I suffer a physical phenomenon of craving and I cannot control the amounts I take.
I have a mental obsession beyond my control that keeps me from staying stopped on my own.
I suffer from an illness, a spiritual malady, for which, the only solution that has worked for me, was to continously treat that internal condition.

I love “why.” It feeds my need to understand. But “why” is  not a spiritual question. It is intellectual and theoretical. It is circular reasoning that only serves to keep me in the problem while the solution remains elusive.
Why has become mental masturbation- it feels good but it is really a waste of time. There is no intellectual cure for a spiritual sickness.

I know I am not alcoholic because I drank.
I drank because I am alcoholic.
I stopped drinking and I am still an alcoholic.

Today, I choose acceptance of my condition as it is.
I do not choose “not to drink.” The choice is gone. I will not fight my alcoholism.
I choose recovery.
I choose to treat my illness.
I choose to live with this permanent, progressive and fatal on its terms, rather than die from it.
I choose life.

“Why” is inconsequential…

~ S.D.

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