Terror came first. Terror had always been there, lurking in the shadows but never fully reveling himself. I could feel him breathing on my neck, sneaking up on me when I least expected. When I no longer could stop on my own, Terror took hold. My suspicions became reality as I realized I had completely lost all control. Terror held me close and I could not move.
Bewilderment soon followed. It was as if I was trapped in a maze with no beginning and no end. He laughed at me. Confused, lost and still deathly afraid, Bewilderment made it clear that despite my most firm resolve and regardless of my fear, I would always wind up exactly where I had been. I was caught in an endless loop, there was no escaping him.
Frustration came next. He brought anxiety and stress like I had never known. Frustration reminded me of my continuous and complete failure of willpower strong enough to manifest the change I needed to see in myself. Frustration told me I would never be enough. He prodded at me, slowly taking my dignity and self respect until I had nothing left.
Terror, Bewilderment and Frustration took turns beating me down with no compassion for my suffering. The more I struggled, the more they entrenched themselves in every aspect of my existence. I locked myself away determined to hide from them.
That is when Despair found me. Ruthless and brutal, even more unrelenting than his companions who came before him. Despair closed in and my world became dark. He confirmed every worst thing I had ever thought about myself. Despair told me he was the only one who would tolerate me now, and that I would die with him and him alone. Together we sat in solemn silence, waiting for the inevitable.
This was the jumping off place, on the edge of oblivion with no where else to turn. Trapped with the Hideous Four Horsemen…