Amends 102: Fear
I confused not caring with the absence of fear. I thought I was unafraid. I thought I had no fear, when in all reality, my entire life was dominated by it.
My only resources for dealing with fear were the most basic animal instincts of fight or flight. Feral and unprepared to deal with life, fear kept me paralyzed and unable to heal or grow.
Stress of the past married anxiety of the future; and with that union, fear became the thief of time. Robbed of my own pressence, I was unable to ever be present in the moment.
Scared I would lose what I had, and terrified I would never get what I wanted, I became controlled by the very fear I had brought to life. Fear grew stronger, and bred resentment, as I placed unrealistic expectations and dependence on people, places and things that always seemed to fail me. I resorted to self reliance and isolation, sitting with fear as my only companion.
I was utterly incapable of satisfying the insatiable or repairing my internal condition under my own strength. Out-matched and overpowered, fear became my master. Fear was the excuse I used to not deal with life.
I am ill equipped to manage my own fear. I am barely qualified to decipher if my fears are real or imagined. I am short-sighted and selfish. I am skewed and biased by my own humanity. When healthy, rational fear grows unchecked, it becomes crippling and stifles every aspect of my existence. I need help to manage my fear.
Acceptance, Awareness and Honesty has given me courage to walk through fear despite myself. A Faith in Something Greater than me has released me from the bondage of self. Fear falls from me and I am free.