I’m Insane

​Yesterday, I sat in a meeting- restless, irritable and discontented from a long day of not getting my way. In between thinking about myself and intermittently dozing off, I listened to a man share about how he was wronged.
His first example made me sympathetic, then he listed the people who were out to get him. It was all I could do not to laugh. I may have even chuckled outloud as he ranted.
I wasn’t laughing at him, I was laughing at the feelings he had because I know them all too well. I know what it feels like to perceive that the world is set up for me to fail. I know what it feels like to be right and wronged at the same time. To hear this man convey his resentments sounded insane.
I have been around long enough to know that when I think the world is out to get me that I am the one who has the problem. I will use people, places, things, situations and circumstance to justify my thoughts and feelings in a heartbeat. I will make “them” or “it” an excuse or reason to feed my fear, prove my righteousness and sink deeper into resentment. It was clear and painfully obvious as the man droned on, I am him. He talked and I thought more about me, like the selfish and self-centered do.
This morning, I woke up angry and resentful. Pissed at 5am, setoff by a text from an employee who was having rough time getting started. In my tiny brain, he was screwing me over, trying to ruin my day before it even started.  Not only had he embarrassed me but now his actions were going to negatively impact the plans I had.
I ran with the idea, all of my employees are so ungrateful. They don’t understand how hard I work. They don’t care about me. I began to add to the list, making mental notes of people from the day before who had also taken me for granted, didn’t appreciate me, used me or somehow failed me.
In minutes I was seething, my stomach in knots. So I prayed and began to write about my own insanity…
~ S.D.

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