I Love You More Than Your Feelings 

What I see is that any success you have found in your life has been through self-determination and self-will; yet when it comes to the drink, you have absolutely no manageability whatsoever. When you control your drinking you can’t enjoy it, and when you enjoy your drinking you have no control.
This paradox leaves you baffled and confused. You are stuck in a downward spiral, trying to drink with the idea that it will be different the next time. It never is. Every time the cycle is repeated, you fail and you hate yourself for it. When you hate yourself, you drink more.
You fight yourself. You fight the drink. Everything suffers as a result. With each drink it gets worse. You are exhausting every last bit of your personal strength to control the uncontrollable. You are at the point where there is no return. Any more fighting will kill you. The only choices are recovery or death.
I only see these things in you because I lived the same lie for most of my life. The only solution that worked for me was to no longer listen to myself, to let the program lead me around by the nose until my sanity returned. 
Recovery and relief only came for me after doing stepwork for the better part of a year and having other people I trusted tell me what to do. What I thought or felt didn’t matter because I didn’t know how to live without getting loaded. If I waited until I felt better to get well, I would be dead. “Wait until tomorrow” kills people like us.
I know recovery is possible for you. I see it work for everyone who works it. You are no sicker than I was when I came in. The only difference between you and me is that I finally surrendered.
When you are ready to be willing, honest and open-minded, I will be there to help. 
I pray you find your way.
My thoughts… cause I give a fuck about you.
~ S.D.

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