Remembering Dec. 4th

​On this day, Dec 4th, 17 years ago, I found my father dead from a slow alcoholic suicide. 

He was sick, sad,tired and alone in his misery. 

I pray he has found peace and comfort.

 

I still miss you Daddy, like it was yesterday.

I wish you could see your grandchildren.

I wish they had got to meet you.

I wish you could still hold my head in your lap and tell me everything was gonna be okay.
I love you Pops.

**************************

Today I honor the passing of my father. 

When he died I was unable to process or accept it. 

I began to use drugs and alcohol not just to change the way I feel, but to not feel at all. 

I drank and used to find oblivion. I would bounce along the bottom for years, resolved that I would die just as hopeless and sick as he was. 

My solution was to give up on life and seek comfort in a drink or a drug. 

Today I can honor his life with my recovery. Thanks to this new way of life, I have been able to heal the parts of my past which have brought me the most pain. 

Today I can remember his greatness and see him watching over me and mine…smiling and strong…knowing that I am becoming a person he can be proud of. 

Thank you for teaching me lessons about my humanity. 
Thanks to my friends and family who have showed me how to live. 

Thanks to the program of spiritual action which has restored my hope and taught me acceptance. 

Thank God for one more chance to be what You would have me be. 
I love you Pops.

*************************

20 years ago today, I found my father dead. That event completely changed my entire life. I often describe it to those who understand as my emotional “bottom.” 
I was out of control long before that day. I drank and used because it was fun and the consequences had always been few and far between. I got loaded to change the way I felt, but after that day, I began to drink and use in order to not feel at all.
I tried to escape life and feelings that I didn’t want to face. Getting drunk and high became my solution for everything. I ran from myself for years, bouncing along the bottom. I would find moments when I thought I could change things and fix myself, but the results were always the same. I had a body that could never get enough and a mind that would not let me leave it alone. I succumbed to the only solution I had for living and became resolved that I was hopeless. 
6 years ago, I found I could never get enough, but I had all I could take. In a moment of clarity, I was introduced to a new design for living that showed me it was possible to heal the wounds which I had spent a lifetime running from. Since then, I have been able to process and begin to recover from the damage I inflicted upon myself, my loved ones and the rest of the world. 
Today, when I think of my father, I no longer see a corpse or a shell of a man. I am no longer angry or afraid. 

Today, when I think of my father, I know I am just like he was. I know he is proud that I am doing what he could not. 

Today, I have mended a broken relationship that I could have never fixed on my own. 

Today, I have a new solution. I have hope. 
I love you, Dad. 

I wish your grandchildren could have got a chance to meet you. 

Missing you always.

~Your son
“First the man takes the drink, then the drink takes the drink, and the drink takes the man.” 

But we can recover…

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