No love or know Love

I steer away from this topic cause I am afraid you will know who I am and judge me. I am scared. I know you will laugh or think I’m crazy. My fear is that you won’t like me. I feel vulnerable, weak and betrayed by my feelings.

Jaded by experience, I am confused and know there must be a better definition than what I have pursued in the past. I have confounded myself, making “love” into something it was never intended to be. The love I sought was a fantasy I created in my head. It was lust interwoven with codependency, pornography, sad songs and Hallmark cards. I saw love as finally being able to fulfill my insatiable desires. If I could just find love, then I would finally feel complete and whole. I equated possessing another person with a solution for the empty feeling in my soul.

I chased that fantasy, and despite amazing people who have come into my life, I have been left wanting with unmet expectation. I called it a broken heart, but the truth is my heart didn’t truly know “Love.” I used relationships as excuses for the void created by my internal condition. They were never the cause or the cure. I know I was wrong in my tainted definitions. I know I was not the partner I should have been. I know I want a healthy understanding of what it is to honestly Love another.

The closest I have come to being able to describe the ideal is the feeling I have for my children. This Love is pure, selfless, unconditional and without bounds. I Love my children for every thing they are and everything they are not. Regardless of anything they have ever said or ever done, I carry no grudges. I Love them no matter what and would sacrifice all I am, and all I have, without a second thought if forced to choose.

This Love enhances every part of my being and existence. I am whole and complete on my own, yet cannot fathom life without them.

I know Love.

~S.D.

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