Resentment is the #1 Offender

The Sins of the Father

All I wanted was his attention.
He was always “tired.” I knew it was best to give him space after a long day. I wouldn’t want to make him angry. He looked like he was asleep, but one eye was always open, so I was never completely sure.

So, I waited patiently, as patiently as any child could. I retreated into my mind, where everything was as I would have it be. Minutes turned to hours and hours became days. I found comfort in my imagination more than in the moment. Fantasy became my reality; stuck somewhere between here and there. Wherever was fine, as long as I was never in the present. I went as far away from him as he was from me.
All I wanted was his attention. 
If you had asked me, I couldn’t have told you what resentment was. I only knew I wasn’t getting what I wanted from him. 

If you had asked me, I wouldn’t have told you I was afraid. I only knew I wasn’t getting what I needed from him.
I learned to push those feelings deep inside and deal with life the only way I knew how- I pretended things were different than they actually were. 
He was a sick man, but me? I never grew up. I never sought anything more than what I created in my own mind. I drowned out anything I found intolerable.
My coping skills shaped every aspect of my being, from my self-esteem to my security to my ambitions to my personal relationships. I built a life on top of fear and resentment, not just my fear and resentment of him, but of you …and her …and them …and this …and that. I was angry at the Universe and terrified of it at the same time.
I have come to learn that fear is a thief and resentment is a liar.
I forgive him,

I forgive myself,

I forgive the Universe, 
I am present, 

I am at ease, 

I am in perfect peace.
I love you, Dad.
~S.D.

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