I collapse on the floor, knuckles bloodied and bruised. Exhausted from swinging at things that don’t exist. Hitting walls without regard for my own well being, I collapse.
I was told that in order to change, my delusions must be smashed. But how does one smash a delusion? How do I destroy something that is an intangible creation in my mind? How do I survive an intangible opponent of my own making?
I spent every last resource I could muster to fight terror, bewilderment, frustration and despair. Overwhelmed by thoughts and feelings that leave me isolated. I am seemingly alone in a battle for my life.
But I have no fight left. I am done fighting self. I have lost control. I accept that I am the crux of the problem, and alone, I have no solution for the problem of my self-will run riot.
I lived life without vision. I was unable to see beyond what I assumed to be real. I clung to the idea that the solution began and ended with me. Believing a lie, I was trapped by the notion that I was broken and without hope. My closed mind was the only barometer I had to gauge, to judge the quality of my own existence. My history left me unwilling to believe anything else.
The truth is, I know there is something more than just me.
The truth is, there is more than what I feel in the moment.
The truth is, my thinking is flawed.
The truth is, there is a solution that lies outside of myself.
Admission, awareness and acceptance of the truth are the only things that can smash a delusion. How hard I fight the truth is up to me. The more I entertain the false, the more I suffer. The more I resist, the self deception persists.
I let go of what I think I know. I relinquish my attachment to my own emotion. I invest myself in the process of next right action and my life begins to change. I am willing, honest and open-minded.
Slowly, with time, faith and action, the delusions vanish and I walk free from what I used to believe.
I have hope.