You, my friend, are struggling. I do my best not to give ‘advice.’ My best thinking got me loaded. But since you asked me directly, I will tell you what I see. I will tell you, in my experience, what I believe is the way out. I will love you more than I love your feelings. But remember, I am learning how to live too. I don’t have all the answers. I only have my experience.
“It feels like the end of the world.”
It is not.
This moment that is tearing you apart is temporary and fleeting. You have looked for a solution in another person as fundamentally flawed as you are. You made them your reason and your excuse. You have gave them what little personal power you have. You have squandered a finite resource with the expectation that it would be returned by someone who has nothing to offer. You want answers you may never get.
You’re sad- your feelings are hurt, your trust has been betrayed and you want closure. You’re angry- you don’t understand, you want to have your meager power back as if it is no longer yours. But mostly, you’re in fear- you are terrified that this will be never-ending. I can promise you it will not be this way forever. Your job is to survive this experience, unanesthetized, so that you can emerge stronger. Your job is to build a better you so you have something to offer the right person at the right time. That moment will come too.
My ‘advice’ is to feel your feelings. Be sad. Be mad. Be scared. Learn what those feelings really mean. Become self aware and homest to your imner most self. Process those feelings. Know they are feelings and not always facts. Keep growing and moving forward. It’s ok to be exactly where you are right now. This is how we learn to live life on life’s terms.
Another person will never be your solution. Another person is not the cause or the cure for what is gnawing at your soul. Your problem was never someone else. It has always been, and will always be- you. The good news is you can change, you can recover. It will be a process. In time, you will look back on today and see how far you have come. Acceptance isn’t getting your way. Acceptance is being honest with what is at this moment. The only thing constant is change. It will never be exactly this way again.
You can make it through a moment…I know you can.