In response to complaining of fear and melancholy, my sponsor asked me to write a list of what I ‘need’ from a relationship. A huge list of qualities and qualifications came to mind. Qualities I knew I had to be if they were what I truly wanted in another.
As I sat with these ideas whirling around in my tiny, little man-brain, I forced myself to be honest. I realized that I don’t need anything in terms of a relationship. The fear and sadness I feel comes from what I want and what I think I “need.”
In all reality, I have everything I need. My discontentness comes from thinking that something external will somehow placate my internal condition and make me feel better in this moment.
I am whole and complete even when I don’t feel satiated. I seek shortcuts and quick fixes in attempts to mask the way I feel. I perpetuate a lie, trading acceptance and serenity for ever-elusive instant gratification, which is rarely instant and even less gratifying.
The truth is I want what I don’t have right now.
The truth is I am a little afraid.
The truth is I want a partner in life.
The truth is I don’t know how to do it ‘right.’
The truth is no person is going to be a solution for my problem of self.
The truth is I will be ok despite myself.