Some will say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. While this obviously speaks to the soundness of one’s thinking, it falls short of the particular insanity I suffered from.

My thinking was governed by an obsession based on a lie. I was completely unable to differentiate the true from the false. To me, my life seemed like the only normal one. I believed I was just like everyone else. I assumed we were all the same.

In the end, I had no delusions about what the results of my behavior would be. I knew the consequences if I repeated the same action. I knew I would end up in jail again. I knew I would lose my job, my house and my kids. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew I was slowly killing myself…and I did it anyway. Repeating the same behavior and expecting different results is illogical, it defies reason. Once reason was lost, my illness progressed.

True insanity is doing the same thing over and over, knowing what the exactly what the results will be, and doing it regardless.

I knew I shouldn’t.

I knew I couldn’t.

I knew what happened every single time.

And I did it again.

And again.

The sane will never understand.

Who feels it, knows it too.

~ S.D.


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