I am continuing to take personal inventory and when I am wrong I promptly admit it.
I do my best to be vigilant in real time throughout each day. I continue to watch for dishonesty, selfishness, resentment and fear. When these feeling rise up, I pray to have those feelings removed in the moment. I discuss them with another immediately. If I have done harm, I do my best to quickly right the wrong. Then I take my focus off self and turn my thoughts to someone I can be of service to. This formula has proven to be an effective means of avoiding self pity and becoming too self absorbed.
Self awareness can be painful; but the more objective I am, the greater benefit I receive from paying attention to my base instincts and knee jerk reactions to external stimuli.
Withdrawal from nicotine after working a program of recovery and being sober for several years has allowed me a unique perspective. Being an addict and putting nicotine in my system has left me feeling like a hypocrite. The powerlessness of my nicotine addiction is readily apparent, but the unmanageability is elusive. My obsession with cigarettes leads me to attempt to validate smoking and provide myself excuses to practice an action that I know is unacceptable to the life I want to have for myself.
12 step recovery has given me a healthy awareness of self and an honest assessment of my reality. I am able to differentiate the true from the false with regards to my thoughts and feelings about smoking. My slow detox from nicotine has allowed me to see myself from the outside. The feeling fluctuates between an intense jolt similar to burst of cold water on a sensitive tooth to a nagging uncomfortabilty like a grain of sand resting between the eyelid and the eyeball. No matter the intensity the feeling always passes, but in that moment I feel overwhelmed with the urge to “fix” that feeling with just one more cigarette. When I look objectively I can see there is nothing to fix.
This is how I am supposed to feel. This is the reality of the predicament I have placed myself in. This is exactly what detoxification feels like. It’s isn’t fun. It isn’t pretty. It my body trying to purge an addictive poison from my body. My brain reacts to this physical manifestation by trying to find the quickest path to relief.
I am prone to believe a lie just to satiate the uncomfortabilty. I become selfish and tell myself that smoking only affects me. I manufacture resentment and direct my anger at all who cross my path. The dishonesty, the selfishness and the resentment are all manifestations of my fear.
Deep down inside, I am just afraid. I am scared I won’t be able to stop. I am fearful that I am somehow missing out on something by not smoking. I am terrified that I will fail. I don’t want to be seen as weak. I don’t want to relinquish my personal freedoms. I don’t want to be judged. Deep down inside, I am just afraid.
Today, I face my fear, my resentment, my selfishness and my dishonesty.
Today, I ask for these feelings to be removed as I sit through the uncomfortable.
Today, I ask for help and share how I am feeling.
Today, I right my wrongs as best I can.
Today, I turn my attention to those I could help.
Today, I have a solution.
I am honest, selfless, grateful and unafraid.