Vision In Action

I must have vision coupled with a program of action. I must remember obsessive planning is me seeking to control, manage, and assume power over people, places, things, situations, and circumstances.

Can I find balance?

I seek to make a less rigid design, one devoid of undo attachment, expectation, and entitlement. I will incorporate flexibility and compromise into a brand-new vision for each day. A vision, not of selfishness, but one that is centered and connected with the rest of that which is developing around me. When I allow myself to be a part of something Greater, the visions I experience become realistic and all-encompassing.

I seek to plan for acceptance and gratitude.
I will envision a life intertwined with the Source of all that is. I pray with my feet and walk this well-established path with my fellows.

~S.D.

R E J E C T I O N

Rejection is a deep-rooted fear that can be caused by external conditions like criticism, betrayal, and trauma. But there are also internal factors like a negative self-perception, depression, guilt, and shame. The innate melds with the learned and fear of rejection grows. The fear can be so overwhelming and pervasive that it can manifest real rejection from others. Fear of rejection leads to more rejection. I release my attachment to the external and embrace my internal condition with acceptance.

I am not what happened to me

I am worthy of self-love

Fear is an internal feeling and all feelings are fleeting, not facts

Faith is freedom and does not require external approval or recognition

~S.D.

Crack Confessional 1

It was the ’90s, I’m not sure how Boones ended up in Santa Cruz. He was in his late 50s and a well-known crack addict who liked to hang out on South Pacific Avenue between Bonesio’s and the Asti. He kept high by taking money from rich white people trying to get drugs downtown. Boones was also known as a serial masturbator with no shame. If you spent any late nights by the Taco Bell at the corner of Laurel and Pacific, you probably saw Boones vigorously rubbing one out.

I was a go-between with a valid driver’s license and a few reliable dealers, so I kept high by networking. One night, I was hustling my next hit and came across Julie, the Slug. She was a college chick who would come down from UCSC to buy coke. I had a reputation of being relatively trustworthy, which meant that I would “pretty much” always give you something for your money and only keep a reasonable cut for myself. Why kill the golden goose?

She had $50, plenty for a decent package, but for a hundy I could get blessed and have more than enough to stay high through the night. I needed another investor before I could take Julie to get what she wanted. Boones had just jacked someone for their hard-earned drug money and needed to get off the block quick, so he opted to get in my Honda Civic 4-door hatchback. He knew my dealer but was banned from going over to the spot after continuously pulling shady shit. He had to go through me if he wanted the good stuff.

The 3 of us unlikely companions, brought together by the desperation of addiction, headed down the top of Ocean Street to the cul-de-sac behind Denny’s. On the way, I felt the car shaking violently and glanced to the backseat where Boones sat behind Julie, who was riding shotgun. I was revolted and surprised to see Boones pleasuring himself while staring at an oblivious Julie. I was pissed. This was not very professional and not how I did business.

I told him to put that shit away or get the fuck out, and he obliged apologetically. He said he couldn’t help himself because she was such a pretty white girl. He thought that was a compliment. Julie was disgusted, but not quite repulsed enough to call off our transaction. We parked on the dimly lit street and I asked them to wait while I went into the apartment building across the street. I promised to be back in 5 minutes, but we all knew that really meant 15-20 minutes if I hurried. I hoped Boones could control himself long enough for me to get back. But I also didn’t care that much. I was excited to complete my mission.

After about 25 minutes of getting high and repackaging the coke, I returned to Julie standing outside of the car with a cigarette. Boones was rocking my poor little car back and forth from the backseat. She wasn’t amused and complained that he wouldn’t stop. I lured Boones out of the car with his bindle and demanded he walk to wherever it was that he needed to go. He didn’t protest when I asked for a bump and he happily disappeared down the levy. 

I drove Julie back to her car. It was a quiet ride. I gave her a pinched sack to take back to her dorm. I never saw Julie the Slug again, but I did run into Boones later that night when we drove back to the spot to re-up. He apologized again for his behavior and assured me that he didn’t shoot his gift in my car.

~S.D.

Things I Do Not Say Enough

Please
I miss you
Thank you
You are welcome
I am thinking of you
How are you really doing?
What do you need?
Are you alright?
How can I help?
I am grateful
You go first
I love you

~S.D.

There’s No Place Like Home

I am the Lion, the Tin Woodsman, and the Scarecrow
I searched for courage, heart, and brains

My quest was a lie

I found I had all I was looking for the entire time
What I lacked was the ability to use what I already possessed, efficiently and effectively
I suffered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body

My deficiencies were only an illusion

All I needed was to realize untapped potential and make proper use of these gifts

I have courage

I have heart

I have brains

I came from nowhere to now here

I am awakened

I have been home the whole time

“There’s no place like home”

~S.D.

Forgiveness Is

Forgiveness is something that I used to seek from “you” or “them,” but I have learned that true forgiveness is only something that I can give to someone else

Forgiveness is never a free pass for one’s action

Forgiveness is a decision to no longer carry anger, hate, and fear
Forgiveness is a choice to accept that I am not fit to judge anyone
Forgiveness is the time when I no longer drink someone else’s  poison
Forgiveness is the cure
Forgiveness is freedom
Forgiveness is a gift that I give, of which, I receive the greatest benefit

Forgiveness realigns me with the rest of the Universe and brings me back into balance
I am not worthy to judge or  punish
I return all of my anger, hate, and fear back to the Universe to manage for me.
I will forgive, regardless if I am forgiven
I forgive and I am free

~S.D.

Nowhere But Up

Pain, Growth and Willingness

I have heard advice
But I don’t always follow it
I can recognize wisdom
But I don’t always practice it

Suggestion and direction require me to be willing
The only thing my stubbornness and self-will has ever yielded to and obeyed is pain

Pain proceeds willingness
Pain persists until I surrender
Pain sparks motivation
Pain has become my teacher
Pain can be the touchstone to spiritual growth

…but life does not have to be painful…

Teach me to understand that I do not have to suffer in order to find relief
Show me that I do not need to be in pain in order to grow
Help me to continue to be willing, no matter the situation
Remind me that I can heal my internal condition right now, regardless of my external circumstance

Pain does not have to be the only catalyst
Willingness and action are my salvation

I chose solution over waiting for more pain
I give all of me before I have lost all of me
I surrender without defeat

The bottom is 6 feet deep for everyone
The bottom is when we ask for help
The bottom is where I decide to stop digging

~S.D.

For A Friend Who Is Deciding If He Is Alcoholic

You didn’t relapse, my friend.

Relapse implies recovery. If you are alcoholic, then the only solution (without a program) is to drink. I learned this by failing to stop drinking for years. Without help, I am unable to stop on my own. It was crazy because I had every reason to quit, but I couldn’t.

I had kids, a wife, a house I built myself, I was in grad school, I had an amazing job in construction (and later as a climber); all the stuff, all the love, all the talent, and skills. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t stay stopped.

You didn’t relapse, my friend.

You did what alcoholics do- you drank. You did really good to put the days together that you did. Those first few weeks are hard. Staying stopped is the hardest part. Don’t beat yourself up too much. If you get tired of drinking and drugging, I know a way to stop. When I made a decision to quit, I thought life was over. It felt like a fucking death sentence. Drugs and alcohol were my best friends. They were the only things that got me through the day, my only reward, and I was supposed to cut them out of my life? Forever? Fuck.

I was pretty sure that IF I was able to ever stop life would suck. I am happy to tell you I was wrong. Since stopping, my life has only gotten better, and it is more fun and rewarding. I even have some of my same old friends who still drink and it doesn’t bother me at all to be around them. I became better at my job. I am well-rested, healthy, and strong. I have real lasting good times and deep belly laughs with people I care about and who also care about me. I have better relationships with family and friends. I have more money and more stuff than I know what to do with.

Sure sometimes life shows up and it’s tough, but the best part? The best part is I don’t have to drink over it. I promise you, if you are alcoholic like me, sobriety means that with a little willingness and work, the best days lay ahead for you.

Hit me up if you want me to take you to a couple of meetings. There is a young people meeting on Wednesdays where there is a bunch of youngsters who have realized they are unable to control and enjoy their drinking. I would be happy to bring you and who knows, you might find some folks who are just like you.

Love you, man.

SeanD.

One Love

May each of us find some type of connection with the larger universe, in whatever form or fashion it takes. Let us allow each other the freedom to transmit love beyond the constraints of our personal beliefs. Help us find a Power other than ourselves.

May every one, who seeks a new way of life, find direction and purpose in day-to-day existence. What it looks like to someone else is unimportant. What matters is the feeling of being tethered to something that brings comfort, hope and meaning.

May all who struggle and suffer, grow in their concept and relationship with a place in this world. We are here to heal one another, as we grow towards being better than we were yesterday.

Teach and correct
Guide and direct
Provide and protect
Love and respect

We all share this time and this space together, let us spend it radiating acceptance and understanding. Give us strength to make this moment a better one for those we stand next to.

One love

~S.D.